Women Who Drink Sweetened Liquor Are Average Thinkers, Beer Imbibers Are Cougars

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Photo Courtesy

Alcohol, a traditional reserve for the male in the modern world has become an engendered routine and if anything, women have become even more devoted partakers.

A woman’s taste of alcohol is an almost direct purvey of her personality. Here, let me break it down for you.

We have those who go for the fruit flavored drinks that more often than not come in cans. These type are young, mostly in college or campus doing below par courses like animal husbandry, nutrition, and others in that cadre. Walk in a club and you’ll see them clutched in the arms of men who have swallowed their problems as is evident from their bellies.

This ilk are average thinkers who are convinced the Ombudsman is a town in Yugoslavia; for them, life starts and ends with looking trendy and taking selfies with pouted lips, typical bimbos in limbos. After two, three bottles or cans, they begin to giggle like maniacs in some asylum, their dance moves become raunchy and all you need is to add them two more of the same and you are sorted for the night. Did I mention that most of them cannot afford their own drinks?

Aha, the wine sippers. I will classify them into two groups. There are those who are totally clueless about wines, their Countries of origin, taste, and colour. They have no idea what kind of grapes their so called favorite wine is made of and the only reason they take wine is to appear grown and classy yet they are far from it.

All they know is that “nipatie red wine ile sweet.” We have hundreds of sweet red wines so madam kindly identify with a brand. These types are not even sure of what they want in life and are opportunists. You find her in a club drinking soda and when you offer to buy her a drink, she suddenly develops a taste for wine. They are the ones who do not even know their baby daddies and would pin pregnancies on any gullible soul out there.

READ: I Have Lived For 73 Years Because I Do Not Drink Alcohol – President Yoweri Museveni

The other group is conversant with impeccable wines. They are classy women, independent and smart. You would find them in official wear on a Friday evening at some middle class and above- restaurant catching up and talking business, money and of course men. I am afraid gentlemen, this ilk are too full of themselves and would blatantly turn down your offer to buy them a drink. They would sneer at a man because his suit looks “gikombaish” yet bother the pastor with the same prayer request every Sunday-a husband. That is how unrealistic they are, they set bars too high.

We have the beer gobblers, my oh my! (Insert Jeff Koinanges tone). A breed that is in touch and out of touch with reality in equal measures. Most women who drink beer do so out of the burdens of the heart, they might have 99 problems but grappling beer by the neck ain’t one of them.

They are hardly young women, mostly middle-aged and above and can afford to throw a few rounds for the men starring without a flinch. They tend to be cougars who go to bars for more than a drink. Woe unto you my friend if such sets her eyes on your man, especially if she takes that dark and stout brand which fires libido tenfold. However, they are gentle souls who comprehend what life entails.

Lord bless and have mercy too on the women who go for the hard stuff. No, no, I am not talking about the cheap poison in plastic bottles or the traditional brew , any woman who takes such is cursed and need divine intervention or help. I am referring to the rare caliber of female drinkers who were created when the Lord was in an unfathomable mood.

Women who hold scotch glasses with reverence like a queen does her king,the ilk who get turned on by the flow of impeccable brandy down her throat, the kind of women who sip gin because it stimulates her intellectually and gets her churning philosophies like “why buy a pig when you can sample different sausages.” These are women who settle for nothing less than they deserve, they are cerebral but packaged in a way that is easily dismiss-able. They are the no nonsense, I’ll punch your nose type, difficult yet quite simple.

They are not easily comprehendable and blow hot and cold at the same time, however, they are adorable, candid to a point of weakness and generous.

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Written by Kahawa Tungu


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